You Have One New Massage

If you don't live in Okinawa, Japan, but your town has an Okinawa Health Club or something similarly named, chances are that that's one of those places where you can get a massage that culminates in a happy ending.

But if you buy a pair of massages for you and your girlfriend for Valentine's Day, and you head over to Apex Massage in Louisville, Ky., you'll find after only a few minutes with Roy and Justin that Okinawa this surely was not.

There was indeed a happy ending, but not the kind that was so popularized by that mediocre Sex-In-The-City-for-men that HBO tried to push called Mind Of The Married Man a couple of years ago.

The happy ending I experienced was simply that my body felt great afterward. (Jennifer's, meanwhile, feels great all the time. Ha ha ha ha) Honestly, tho, we got some great massages, and I was so relaxed that shortly after we left, the girlfriend had to inquire why I was driving 20 mph on a major roadway where 40 is the norm. My body simply lacked the strength to push farther down on the gas pedal. What relaxation, I tell ya.

But things didn't necessarily get off to a great start. I don't know if Roy is just a physical guy or perhaps he was disappointed that Justin got the girl, but there seemed to be a little anger there. Clearly he was just doing his job and offering a deep-tissue massage, but I almost felt like he'd much rather be pushing on Jennifer's brown skin than on my pasty body, which in my mid-30s now includes an unruly thatch of hair on the backs of each of my upper arms. Getting old = getting ugly.

Down With The Happy Ending?