Arkansas Must Die

Just like any other college football expert, I look forward to having a lot of questions answered as the upcoming season unfolds:

1. Will my favorite team, Ohio State, win the national championship?
   
2. Will Brady Quinn be the next Notre Dame star to win the Heisman?
   
3. How badly will Texas miss Vince Young?
   
4. Is it a rebuilding year at USC?
   
5. What the fuck is a Boll Weevil?
   

It's true; the Arkansas-Monticello football team is called the Boll Weevils. I have no desire to look it up in the dictionary because either it won't be there, or if it is, there's a picture of a 17-year-old, spoon-chested white kid with a white tank top and baggy jean shorts, a crooked Raiders cap, a gold chain, a half mustache and some other yet-ripe facial hair, a pager on his waist and brand new, untied white Reeboks. That's what I think of when I think of Arkansas -- white trash. Perhaps my thesaurus has "white trash" next to Boll Weevil.

But the Weevils aren't the only poorly nicknamed squad in that great Gulf South Conference. There are the Arkansas Tech Wonder Boys, the Henderson State Reddies and the Southern Arkansas Muleriders. I don't know where my Arkansas boner came from this morning, but after we clean up the Middle East and restore peace in the next couple of weeks, bring 'em home and bomb the shit out of that state.