From The "You've Got To Be Kidding Me" File

I'm fairly certain I've never had a child, but now that I'm seeing how cool it is to jet on over to Africa and buy one, I might just go ahead and grab one up.

That's not actually true, but one thing's for sure -- I've once again changed my tune about having a family. For years, I thought I had to find a wife and have kids. But if I was still pretty devoted to that ideal, I probably wouldn't be dating a 22-year-old girl right now.

In the year-plus that I've been seeing The Baton, we've had a few conversations about the future -- not ours, of course, just the future in general. She’s opened my eyes a little bit about whether we'll even be here long enough to see our kids turn into adults. (When I say "we" and "our," again, I'm speaking very generally here.) At first I thought she had a paranoid and pessimistic future outlook, but do you see world affairs getting better? If kids born five years from now only barely make it to adulthood, what's the point?

Sure that might seem fatalistic and all, but it's a viewpoint that I've thought about a few times this year and I think it holds some validity. I used to worry about being the last chance to carry on the Wise name, and that, I thought, was enough reason alone to try to impregnate somebody at some point.

But I've since become worrisome about any children I might have and their ability to get along with others once they begin school. Kids can be cruel, and if mine get their father's heart, there will be a lot of mending going on in the Wise household.

Something changed my mind a little bit today, however. A school in Massachusetts announced it has banned the game of Tag during recess. It's a game during which "accidents can happen," a school official said. The decision reminded many in the town of Attleboro of an effort to ban dodgeball there a few years ago, citing the game is exclusionary and dangerous.

So this is good news for me. I can rest easy now, knowing that if I do have children, they'll be safe from the perils of exercise. I seriously wouldn't want them to learn team skills as they would in dodgeball, as well as how to interact with their peers. Or in a more individual game like tag, I'd hate for them to be exposed to some friendly competition. And isn't there some running involved in Tag? Not my child!

Do you know what else is dangerous? Eliminating a staple of childhood like Tag. I'm capitalizing the game because it's such a big deal. But seriously, what's next for kids? No vegetables?

Taking away yet another activity that could help our fat-ass American kids keep in shape is ridiculous. It is not exclusionary. It is not dangerous. It is not offensive. But I do see the logic here. Perhaps we can start luring our kids to stay inside during recess so they can play the same video games they'll play for five hours when they go home after school.