Anna Nicole Watch

Remember when you were a kid, and you and your buddies got together for a little 2-on-2 basketball, and right before starting, you'd claim, "I call I'm Larry Bird," and another kid said, "I'm Dr. J," and so forth?

Oh, you guys didn't do that when you were kids? You should have. I mean, look at how much better my life has turned out to be than yours as a result.

Anyway, it's one thing to be a kid and have a vivid and active imagination. But what about when you're an A-list celebrity in your late-30s, like Anna Nicole Smith, and two weeks after your not-really-all-that mysterious death, it's revealed in a courtroom that you declared not long before dying that you wanted to be buried next to your idol Marilyn Monroe?

Do you know any adults whose obsessions are so outrageous that they're talking in their 30s where they want to be buried?

I'm typically a compassionate dude, but not when it comes to losers who lead comfy lives despite having no talent or work ethic whatsoever, and even moreso when said loser has it so easy and still finds a way to fuck it up. Have you noticed that the file video you've seen of her since her death includes mostly pictures of Anna being held up by her entourage? There always seems to be a hand firmly gripped around one or both of her forearms. How many clips do you see of her walking -- shoot, even standing -- straight up?

Anna, you made such a mess of your life that you're making quite a mess in death, and thanks to you, the equally trashy masses now have their circus to watch for the next couple of years because no one knows who the father of your new baby is, no one knows who gets to bury your plastic body or where, and no one knows who will get your money that you made merely by marrying a dinosaur in the 1990s.

And don't get me started on Britney.