Larry Birkhead Sighting ... Three Years Ago

I was watching an episode of "Entourage" last summer when I saw a face that I knew was familiar.

"That dude is in the background of my favorite Dennis Hopper picture," I remember thinking.

Seriously, check out the photographer on the right. It's Larry Birkhead. He was at the Barnstable Brown Derby Eve Gala in 2004, and ruined this picture I took of Hopper. Anyway, yeah, that's the father of Anna Nicole's infant daughter, Dannielynn.

If Birkhead can shoot the same party I did in 2004 and by 2006 appear in a non-speaking part for four seconds on "Entourage," then can I perhaps expect a call soon when they start casting for "Arliss: The Musical?"

And regarding Dannielynn, which trailer park do you come from if you give your kid such a name? You just know she's going to be a stripper with a name like Dannielynn, before she of course changes it to Lexus or Cinnamon.

One last question -- When you accidentally impregnate a pill-popping dumbass alcoholic, don't you try hard as hell to prove you're not the father?

Anna Nicole's Casket?

Thanks to my friend George in Louisville, Ky., we now know what Anna Nicole Smith's casket will look like. Not that she's going to be buried anytime soon, but I just wanted you to have this critical information. I'm here for the people.

Anna Nicole Watch

As another day of Who Gets Anna Nicole's Body? hearings gets set to begin, a national network reporter outside the courthouse in south Florida just uttered the following sentence:

"They're expected to show that video in court today, the video that shows in the background one of those artists you might see at a children's museum. That artist painted Anna Nicole's face like a clown, and Anna Nicole, the former Playboy model, was dressed in a sheet or something and was pushing a stroller around her living room with a doll in it. The man holding the video camera asked her if she was on a mushroom trip, and she was clearly inebriated."

I saw this tape on Wednesday, and it's just another afternoon in the life of a girl, by virtue of her public standing -- deserved or not -- was a role model to teen trailer park whores all the way from east Texas to west Texas and points far beyond.

Back inside the courtroom, what can you say about this judge that hasn't been said about Whitney Houston? This guy is a circus freak who gives dorks like David Blaine license to wonder.

And Britney needs to drown or something.

Anna Nicole Watch

Remember when you were a kid, and you and your buddies got together for a little 2-on-2 basketball, and right before starting, you'd claim, "I call I'm Larry Bird," and another kid said, "I'm Dr. J," and so forth?

Oh, you guys didn't do that when you were kids? You should have. I mean, look at how much better my life has turned out to be than yours as a result.

Anyway, it's one thing to be a kid and have a vivid and active imagination. But what about when you're an A-list celebrity in your late-30s, like Anna Nicole Smith, and two weeks after your not-really-all-that mysterious death, it's revealed in a courtroom that you declared not long before dying that you wanted to be buried next to your idol Marilyn Monroe?

Do you know any adults whose obsessions are so outrageous that they're talking in their 30s where they want to be buried?

I'm typically a compassionate dude, but not when it comes to losers who lead comfy lives despite having no talent or work ethic whatsoever, and even moreso when said loser has it so easy and still finds a way to fuck it up. Have you noticed that the file video you've seen of her since her death includes mostly pictures of Anna being held up by her entourage? There always seems to be a hand firmly gripped around one or both of her forearms. How many clips do you see of her walking -- shoot, even standing -- straight up?

Anna, you made such a mess of your life that you're making quite a mess in death, and thanks to you, the equally trashy masses now have their circus to watch for the next couple of years because no one knows who the father of your new baby is, no one knows who gets to bury your plastic body or where, and no one knows who will get your money that you made merely by marrying a dinosaur in the 1990s.

And don't get me started on Britney.

Two More Cents On Anna Nicole

Now that the Anna Nicole Smith hullabaloo seems to have died down some, here are my two cents:

I have no idea why this person was so celebrated. She succeeded merely at being a brainless millionaire. Blond hair, big tits and completely devoid of any character.

If we've learned one thing upon reflection since her death, it's that trailer trash can certainly make it big. Just start out as a stripper, get impregnated as a teen, present yourself as a whore loudly enough for Playboy to take notice in the form of a rich contract, get an enormously disgusting tattoo on your back, hate your mom, marry a zillionaire three times your age, treat your newfound irrelevance by gaining 100 pounds, make a comeback by embarrassing yourself with that joke of a reality TV show, lose the weight and then spend the last few years of your life being a camera-hungry pill addict and acting like a Marilyn Monroe wannabe.

Certainly Anna had to have had image consultants, but none seemed to tell her of the difference between paparazzi and studio photographers. So much of the file video that's been flashed on television the last several days shows Anna posing like she's in a photo shoot for a truck-stop soft-porn mag. Red-carpet events really aren't the place for tongue shots, but that girl is so fucking dumb I think the national average IQ just went up by a full point with her death.

And even in death there's more to her loser legacy. Three men claim to be the father of her 6-month-old daughter, whose name is quite trailer itself. Dannielynn? I think I've seen that name before -- on a theme-park airbrushed T-shirt back in 1989. What a summer that was.

Anna Nicole Smith Dead At 39

I've had the privilege of photographing the Barnstable Brown Derby Eve Gala in Louisville each of the last few springs. It's a great event, but as you can see, I'm not the best shooter in low-light situations, so a lot of my stuff turns out blurry.

Nonetheless, here's an up-close picture I got of Anna Nicole Smith at the 2004 party.

She's dead now.