The Corners Of My Mouth

I'm a messy eater when I'm clean shaven, but now with this awful orange beard I'm finding that it's even more difficult to keep presentable at the dinner table. Or at least in the case of my apartment, on the couch.

But when I drink, say, my glass of milk, I always feel two streams of cold liquid trickle down through the stubble from the corners of my mouth. And since I generally don't keep napkins in my home and eat my fair share of meals wearing little more than boxer shorts and flip flops, I have no shirt sleeve at the ready to clean up the messy mouth, leaving me to look like I'm doing a fairly accurate Jenna Jamison impersonation.

So now that we're in the mood for some culinary tips, here's one: If you've got leftover red wine that you're probably not going to finish before it goes bad, make a big pot of pasta sauce and add as much as you want. Not that I'm breaking any new ground here, but if it gets too liquidy, thicken it up with some goat cheese.

I can't wait to shave this beard on Sunday.