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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Don't 'Jerk' Off In Cincinnati

You've heard my complaints about Cincinnati many times, and now, the world's most conservative city just got a little more conservative.

If you go to see the ballet, er, the orchestra, er, an NFL FOOTBALL GAME, you must be on your best behavior. Otherwise, as long as the well-mannered fan next to you has a cell phone, you might get kicked out.

That's right, the Cincinnati Bengals have introduced The Jerk Line, which allows less spirited patrons to call a hotline to basically tattle-tail (is it tattle-tale?) on you.

It's an NFL football game for Siragusa's sake. There's supposed to be beer and swearing and farting and other symptoms of Male Sunday Syndrome. But in our too-polite modern culture of safety for, sensitivity toward and inclusion of everyone, we err on the side of being boring, especially in a city like Cincinnati.

I can just see a rowdy Bengals fan the next time rival Pittsburgh comes to town:

"Hey, Roethlisberger, I know you're an Ohio native and I'm pleased that you've made a speedy recovery from your motorcycle accident, but stop leading your team down the field against my Bengals. I hope you throw an incompletion on your next pass you big poopyhead."

And it's not surprising that Bob Bedinghaus is behind the effort; he's the guy who, once Hamilton County voters approved the half-cent sales tax increase 10 years ago, took the money and said, "OK, thanks for the cash. Now you just sit back and we white men in suits will figure out where to build the new stadiums," without for a second giving those same voters a say in the matter. Jackass.

8 Comments:

At 9:06 AM EDT, Blogger brokedickdog said...

How about your Yankee stadium, trip with your sister and niece? Didn't you need the JerkLine then?

 
At 10:15 AM EDT, Blogger Tony Franco said...

What do you expect? These are the PR geniuses that approved the name Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic for a charity event.

 
At 10:21 AM EDT, Blogger Big Primpin' said...

That's baseball, a much quiter event. Football is a sport whose physical and violent style often is mirrored by the actions of those watching it, particularly the tens of thousands who spend several hours in the parking lot before kickoff drinking themselves into a blackout. That obnoxious behavior is to be expected at a football game makes it, in my opinion, more acceptable.

 
At 11:00 AM EDT, Blogger Big Primpin' said...

Yo Delts: I thought you were up to your old tomfoolery, but a Google search yielded that there is indeed such an event so titled:

http://www.americancornhole.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=AC&Product_Code=0153AC502&Category_Code=G

That's outstanding.

 
At 1:16 PM EDT, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess I should be happy that my previous years of jerking off in the 'Nati went unnoticed. I'll have to be on guard during future visits.

 
At 2:18 PM EDT, Blogger Big Primpin' said...

You should try jerkin' off in Cleveland. Way cooler.

 
At 8:57 AM EDT, Blogger Tony Franco said...

There are just somethings I would never make up for fear of being labled a total pervert and the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic is one of them. Sadly for hilarity's sake, they took down the website but you can you can see a screenshot here
http://geekswithblogs.net/gaijin42/archive/2006/06/02/nambla_carson_palmer_cornhole_classic_cincinnati.aspx

 
At 10:19 AM EDT, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WHO DEY

 

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