Had To Have A Beer

I had a dry Friday and was aiming for an alcohol-free Saturday, but I made the mistake of calling my old friend, "Pierre," we'll call him, at about 10:30 p.m. Pierre is one of my old drinking buddies back from my days in Cincinnati. I don't talk to him nearly as much as I should, but Saturday's conversation reminded me that he's still as funny as ever.

Anyway, 20 minutes in, I still had no need for a beer. Then he told me about a recent mushroom trip with some of the old dudes who gathered recently in Cincinnati.

"(One dude) was puking, and I think (another dude) was puking too. I wasn't puking. And (another dude) was cool with it. It was a bad time."

Pierre recalled what made his trip so bad.

"I thought the government was shooting this ray inside my house," he said. "It was like a VibroRay."

I don't know if that's trademarked, but it sounds fancy.

"And they were shooting inside because we're liberals," Pierre continued. "The VibroRay is something that makes you incapacitated, like you're incapable of functioning properly."

"But there were a lot of times back in the day when we drank ourselves to a point where we couldn't function," I insisted.

"I know, but normally that didn't really matter. This time, I said, 'There's something wrong going on. Why can't I stand up and walk?'"

"How long did your bad trip last?" I asked.

"I don't know. It felt like three hours, but it could have been 10 minutes. That's what happens when you do hallucinogens," Pierre said. "(Another dude) had a real bad time too. He started sweating, then asked if I had a towel or a blanket. I was like, 'Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah, but I'm shrooming my nuts off so I can't up and get it for you right now.'"

Pierre, who was drunk during this Saturday conversation, decribed the scene when (another dude) showed up. This guy is 6-5 and about 250 pounds, and kicks everyone's ass even tho he's about 40.

"Oh yeah, and then (another dude) showed up. I looked at him and he was wearing that same red Ohio State shit he was wearing last time I saw him when we all watched the Michigan game last year. He looked like a lifeguard, and I thiought he was there to rescue us."

Wouldn't you have needed a beer after that?