Every Office Has One

I'm surprised that my favorite show right now -- NBC's "The Office" -- doesn't have a character who does this. Every real-life office seems to have one of these idiots.

"Hey, John, how are you?"
"Pretty good, how about you?"
"Oh, it's Monday."

Oh, really? I didn't know that. I thought it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon on Friday. I was getting ready to call Jennifer and find out what we were doing later tonight. Or maybe I would call the fellas to see if they felt like running downtown for an excess of beverages. Thanks for telling me it's Monday, fucko. Sheesh, I hope I run into you tomorrow morning. Same time? Same place? I'll try not to be sporting a Saturday-ish hangover with a boner poking through my boxers as I make my way into the office.

But on Wednesday, they like to spice it up some:

"Hey, John, how are you?"
"Pretty good, how about you?"
"Oh, it's Wednesday. Happy Humpday!"

Yay, let's celebrate the fact that we're now in the middle of the work week. That's huuuuuuuge news. Let's give it the queerest name available, too. Humpday. Nice. And since my mood is always dependent on what the day of the week the calendar tells me it is, I think I'll rejoice in the fact that I only have three days left in the work week until I can, I don't know, sit on my ass and watch college basketball. Terrific! Hopefully I can get that TPS report done in time.

And I just love this one:

(geeky co-worker wearing baseball cap 'cuz it's Friday)
"Hey, John, how are you?"
"Pretty good, how are you?"
"It's Friday," with the crescendo on the FRI portion of the sentence for extra emphasis.

Hmm. That's weird, I thought Friday was four days ago. I KNOW IT'S FUCKING FRIDAY! Don't tell me the day of the week unless you hear me ask, "Hey, what day is it today?" Until then, just say you're doing fine and be on with yourself.

If you don't have a co-worker who engages you in such conversations, you can reach similar annoyance levels in the following at-work exchanges:

You: "What's up, Bob?"
A-hole Bob: "Taxes, my blood pressure, the ceiling."

You're a fucking comedian, Bob.

OR

You: "How's it going today, Maxwell?"
Maxwell: "I'm here."

You know what? I know you're here. I'm here too, and it's not the end of the world so get over your non-drama and slap a smile on your face and do your job and wake me up the next time you hear Steve say, "It's Thursday," so I can page him to the back conference room, then go piss in his coffee when he leaves his cubicle.

Other Tedious Workplace Conversations?