Let's Talk About People

You know that old expression -- if you don't have anything nice to say, make sure it's somehow directed at Tom Cruise? Well, yeah, it's about time he board the Celebrity Death Plane, but until then, can we talk for a second about that annoying baby of his?

Is that thing real? Look at it! NOW! It's a toy. She's not even five months old, and she has almost as much hair on her head as my friend Barry has on his back.

And the face looks a little, shall we say, computer-generated? And something's up with that Katie Holmes. She seemed the All-American girl back in her Dawson's days, but now she sounds like a robot who's been brainwashed tag-team style by the Scientology empire and Tom Cruise Incorporated. "She's the miracle of our life," Holmes told the Associated Press about Suri. Could the word "miracle" be used any more to describe a baby? C'mon, Team Crazy, give us more than miracle. Cruise starred in Vanilla Sky in 2002, but with the occasional exception of an unmedicated appearance on Oprah, you two are living a Vanilla Life. Spice it up or please enjoy complimentary first-class seating -- now even roomier! -- on the Celebrity Plane Crash.

Steve Irwin

Well, what else can be said about the Crocodile Hunter that hasn't been said about Lawrence Taylor? Irwin was indeed crazy, though his high seemed a natural one. Homeboy loved the animals and it was neither surprising nor inappropriate that he died among them, but it is a little unpredictable to be shot in the heart with the barb of a stingray. I doubt he saw that coming. I didn't watch him a whole lot, but I don't doubt his contributions, and I know that Australia has lost a cherished son.

Rosie O'Donnell

She started on "The View" this week, and after some exhaustive research by the Primpin' Ain't Easy editorial team over the last 48 hours, it turns out that nobody likes her. It's true; I talked to everybody, and they all hate her. I never understand why some people are as popular as they are, and this poor man's Ellen might be at the top of the list.

Justin Timberlake

If he's bringing sexy back, then what do you call what I did in 2003?

Katie Couric

The opinions seem mostly positive, but there's no lack of nitpicky criticism. I'm a little biased because of those great legs. Just kidding.

And I was talking about mine, not hers.

Seriously, though, some aren't crazy about her inaugural effort Tuesday because it seemed like CBS was trying to launch new whistles and bells about its Evening News, but I ask why not? You've got the most anticipated debut perhaps in the history of television news. If you're in third place behind NBC and ABC (and the early guess here is that Charlie won't hang onto second very long at ABC), roll out your new vision when you've got the eyeballs. Tell your viewers you're here for them, that you're going to give them what they want, which for some will be a more customizable product and maybe for others, better interactivity. Did you see the way CBSNews.com was pimped? Kudos to the collaborators, and two more thumbs up for the courage to open the new Free Speech segment with a personality like Spurlock. I almost thought on a night that was supposed to be all Katie, it was merely kinda Katie. I'll keep watching.