More Catching Up

OK, today we have sports, celebrities and camel toe. Enjoy!

+ Here's why it's difficult to enjoy watching regular season baseball:

My Cleveland Indians beat AL East-leading Boston last night, which is cool. But the score was 1-0, there were only a total of eight hits between the teams, only two walks, only five men left on base and the Indians didn't even need to bat in their half of the ninth inning, yet the game took 2 hours and 45 minutes to play.

I don't mind the lack of offensive fireworks, but a game like that should take two hours, maybe 2:10 tops.

+ Forgot to tell you in Monday's Catching Up segment, but I was walking uptown Sunday and what caught my attention was a loud woman on her cell phone. What kept my attention was the moose-knuckle in the crotch of her skin-tight gym leggings. This was without doubt the grossest camel-toe violation I'd ever seen in my life. She was in her mid-50s, but trying to look like she was only 48 or so with fake boobs, collagen-injected lips, fake tan and a tight top that was tragically far too short. One would think someone so caught up in vanity would know to a) wear underwear, 2) not wear those pants and D) stay home.

+ It's 11 a.m. and I've already eaten three doughnuts at work. The boss brought them in. He's pretty cool.

+ What will end first, violence in the Middle East or racism?

+ My walk-home-from-work friend Kelly and I turned the corner from 67th Street onto 3rd Avenue the other day and walked right past Matt Lauer. Kelly said "Hi" and I said "Hi Matt," as if he was some dude who worked on our floor. Mr. NBC said hello and kept walking with his two young daughters, and Kelly and I laughed because we both acted like everyone who works in television must know each other. Surely, he went back to work and wrote on his blog that he bumped into John and Kelly from the rival news organization across town.

+ What's new in baseball? A-hole Barry Bonds and steroids. Football? Michael Vick and dogfighting. Basketball? Game-fixing by referee Tim Donaghy. NASCAR? It's NASCAR. Shoot, even cycling is scandal-ridden. And hockey has the worst TV ratings? I don't get that.

+ Speaking of Vick, the NFL Wednesday told him to stay away from Falcons' training camp. An unconfirmed report from a PAE correspondent in Atlanta suggests that the NFL's message to the troubled quarterback sounded more like, "Staaayy. Staaaaayyyyyy."

+ I can't not weigh in on Lindsay Lohan, who says the cocaine in her pocket was not hers. And her family says she was trying to help her assistant, which clearly explains why she was speeding while drunk at 2 in the morning right in front of a police station in Santa Monica. Now it all makes sense.

In a joint statement released this morning, Lindsay's parents -- one a former coke whore and the other an alcoholic recently released from prison -- said, "We are under the impression that the police, the media and the general public were all born yesterday."

This is quite reminiscent of the after-school-special-ish stories you hear about the troubled teen who pleads with her mom about the cigarettes found in the inside pocket of the varsity jacket, "Mom, I was holding those for Ashley. I swear they're not mine."

It's human nature to be curious and want to experiment, to want to rebel and to want to save your own ass when your plan backfires. But you grow the F up and it then becomes human nature to admit you did something stupid, especially when the whole world is watching. She's a 21-year-old zillionaire with a huge future in her pocket, right next to the bag of coke. After you spend a few bucks on someone to cart your drunk-ass around, but maybe hire some advisors who will help you not look like such a stupid whore. Whatever illegal acts you've committed are bad enough, but the denials make things so much worse and make you look like total white T. Unfortunately, our weak and shallow culture will only be more willing to see Linday's bad movies and buy her weak music. All because she's a party girl with great tits. I mean, would there be such a clamor if the troubled celebrity was Miranda July?