Shaq Is Whaq

I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to the world's heaviest loser.

His name is Shaquille O'Neal, better known as an aging, lately irrelevant, always-overrated 900-pound basketball player. Dennis Rodman years ago had a great quote about him, that I shall paraphrase now: "Shaq has two moves: Dunk and dunk."

How Shaq made the NBA's all-time top 50 players list a few years ago I'll never know. He's only good because he is gigantic and the rim is only 10 feet off the ground. But that all-time team should have been reserved for people with skill.

Anyway, over the weekend, at a club here in New York, Shaq took the stage and grabbed the mike, because most athletes think their job title entitles them to a rap career. Shaq is as good at rapping as he is at leading teams to NBA championships.

The main criticism in his lyrics was that Kobe Bryant, the best player in the world right now and one of the top five ever to play the game, can't win a championship without him. This from a guy who won three titles with Kobe and coach Phil Jackson, and his fourth with Dwyane Wade and coach Pat Riley in 2006.

If someone needs Shaq to win a championship by himself, please go ahead and forget about that. Shoot, he can't even help a team loaded with stars Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire and Grant Hill past the first round of the playoffs.

Shaq, go ahead and retire, because you are terrible. Please do not wait for a trade-deadline deal next February where you can say at a press conference, "When people say I'm done, I have a habit of winning championships." That's the farthest thing from the truth; you won three in Los Angeles because you were in your prime, had a great supporting cast that included Kobe Bryant and your coach was Phil Jackson. And you won one past your prime because your guys in Miami were Wade and Riley. If once is a habit, then I've only slept with beautiful women.

Chris Henry Arrested

I've been in online news for nearly eight years now, and one technique that at one point was urged upon editors was adding related/previous stories to the bottom of a new story.

So, let's say, for example, that an NFL player had a habit of getting in trouble with the law. I know this is probably a poor example, but just play along.

And let's say this player's name is Chris Henry, a wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals. He was charged with assault after an alleged incident on Ohio Avenue near where I kept several bars in business at the University of Cincinnati. What a millionaire athlete is doing on Ohio Avenue I'll never know. DUDE, you have a million dollars, go get drunk somewhere that's not a ghetto, and then pay someone $30 to drive you home!

Instead, here's the list of previous stories to give you an idea of how much trouble this dumbass has been in the last two years (h/t wlwt.com:

April 1, 2008: Bengals Receiver Chris Henry In Trouble Again
November 8, 2007: Bengals' Henry Threatened Valet Attendant, Police Say
October 24, 2007: NFL Clears Chris Henry To Begin Practicing With Bengals
October 10, 2007: Judge: Bengals' Henry Didn't Violate Probation
June 15, 2007: Police: No Charges Against Bengals' Henry
June 13, 2007: Investigation Continues Into Teen's Claim Of Henry Assault
May 25, 2007: Prosecutor Won't Apologize, Calls Henry 'Lowlife'
May 23, 2007: Henry Passed Both Drug Tests, Attorney Says
May 21, 2007: Prosecutor: Conflicting Stories About Chris Henry Drug Test
April 23, 2007: Traffic Charges Against Bengal Chris Henry Dropped
April 16, 2007: Bengals' Henry Fined For Traffic Offenses
April 10, 2007: Bengals' Henry Suspended For Eight Games
March 29, 2007: Exclusive: Newport Police Cited Henry In February Incident
March 28, 2007: Henry, Former Teammate To Meet With NFL Commissioner
March 27, 2007: Bengals Henry Cited For Multiple Traffic Violations
January 27, 2007: Bengals' Henry Released From Jail
January 26, 2007: Bengals' Chris Henry In Jail After Guilty Plea
January 12, 2007: Chris Henry's Attorneys Trying To Negotiate Court Cases
October 6, 2006: Henry Suspended Two Games, Fined $20,000
September 26, 2006: Henry Could Face Jail Time After Thurman's Arrest
September 12, 2006: Bengals' Henry Pleads Guilty In Fla. Gun Case
June 20, 2006: Henry Back In Court On DUI Charges
June 15, 2006: Bengals' Henry Pleads Not Guilty On New Charges
June 5, 2006: Bengals Receiver Arrested On DUI Charge
May 4, 2006: Bengals Henry Investigated For Sex Crime, Prosecutor Says
March 22, 2006: Henry Pleads Guilty, Apologizes To Fans

My friend Dave from Cincinnati chimed in with his two cents this morning:

"Why should C. Henry be thrown in jail? Not for assault. Not for drugs. Not for driving badly. He should be locked up for not giving a rat's ass, for being too stupid to see that the only thing keeping him out of jail (so far) AND making him wealthy is football. Seriously, who pisses on a gig in the NFL over and over again?"